Clarity

All the spiritual books I read tell you to meditate, meditate, meditate. And even though I know it is good for me I rarely have the patience or the time to just sit in silence uninterrupted for yonks. Lately I've forced myself (kicking and screaming) to just DO IT anyway. Wow. What a few weeks it has been. Your only getting a taste of it here. A tiny smidgen. One thing it does do well is clean house. Things come up you have not thought about in a long time. You clean house. Anger and hurt seem to be always on the surface. But on day's like today you wake up with such a feeling of clarity that make it all worthwhile.
The biggest thing my mothers death did for me was force me to deal ONCE AND FOREVER with the assholes in my family that I usually avoid studiously. That was unpleasant. I always tried to reach out to them in some effort to claim for myself that illusive "extended family". My grandmother and her sister did such a great job being the peacemaker between all of these women. But since they've died the wheels have come off and these bitches feel free to give full reign to their insecurities, poor character, and bad judgment. The aha moment came for me at four a.m. So in the words of Oprah..here is what I KNOW.
1. I have had two amazing parents. My grandparents. They picked up where my crazy (and they knew what she was) mother and my chicken shit dead beat father left hanging. When they died I became an orphan. My mothers death meant nothing. Just the end of my suffering and abuse.
2. I have never nor will I ever have a relationship with the country cousins. And why should I? We have ZERO in common. Each of them (Except B) have had their nose and asses wiped by their parents and continue to have them wiped TO THIS DAY. I however, have been on my own since the age of 20. COMPLETELY. My mother paid for my cousins weddings (2) and divorce (1). She wouldn't loan me 10 bucks for gas money. She also found some of them jobs. Her boss once tried to offer ME a six figure job and she told them she would quit if they did. (Her boss said "It's sad to see a mother so completely jealous of her daughter). So I had to slave away in a dipship Maryland town at minimum wage so that I could take care of her after her seizure (due to pain killer over dose) until she finally got shit canned and I was free to move back to Colorado. I moved there at my expense. I had to pay the majority of the bills. I paid to move back. The whole time she was getting paid six figures and borrowing money left and right from her friends for cars etc.
So really? What do I care what a bunch of under-educated free loading whores think about my life. They are not fit to shine my shoes.
3. Trying to correct all the lies that have been told about me by my mother and other family members is exhausting. I remember once a friend of mine telling me and my sister Jen about a rather raunchy sex exploit she had. She is a free spirit and I love her for it because I could never be that free. However...my sister then turned around and told everyone the same story only she substituted MY name instead of the person who actually had the experience. Then she told me TO MY FACE (I guess she had told that lie so many times she actually BELIEVED IT) that she told my paternal grandmother the story and that said grandmother thought I was EVIL. Well..first of all BITCHES....NEVER HAPPENED. Second of all..you know what is EVIL? Lying about someone for your own sick purposes. Denying the existence and the support of your family to a child that was inconvenient. Trying to erode any thoughts that family may have had about you by telling disgusting lies about them. THAT IS PURE EVIL.
So really? Trying to correct lies that should be obvious to anyone with a working brain is futile. It says more about them that they want to make them up and or believe them than the lie does about me. They will have to go to their maker with that.
4. I don't have to wonder if I will ever have the mother I always wanted. I won't. But I will be that mother for my daughter. My husband said to me yesterday "Your mother was a crazy ass bitch but let me tell you something. You are an amazing mother yourself. I thank God everyday I found you and that YOU are the mother of my baby."
5. I HAVE A FAMILY. And they are sitting right here.