And so it begins....

Last night my husband decided we (that is WE..plural) NEEDED to go to the grocery store.
COME ON now! I did the grocery list and laid out all the recipes he wanted. What else?!
He insisted he couldn't possibly get allllll of the Thanksgiving ingredients without me. So I changed out of the preggie mumu for some preggie jeans and off we went.
I only peed on myself ONCE! (From laughter. Hey..I'm carrying VERRRRY low).
Luckily I remembered to dress for such an instance. Still. Gross.
So I tell him to hand me half of the list and he can do the other half and I'd meet him in the bakery.
OH . HELL. NO.
He wants to do it all himself so that he knows what he bought and if he has it when he is looking for it back home.
HE just wants to make sure it is the RIGHT thing.
Wha?
So I get to schlep up and down the aisles with him saying things like "No..get the low sodium stock" and "Never buy low fat cheese for a recipe like this are YOU NUTS?"
This whole thing somehow took a mere 2 hours.
At the end of it he declared "I cannot believe this cart is full to the brim and I'm about to spend THIS MUCH MONEY on food for THREE PEOPLE for one day".
I said...Um..okay then. What would you like to cut out..I'm fine with whatever.
At which point I thought he was going to lose it "We can't cut anything it wouldn't be THANKSGIVING".
The man has never had the likes of my thanksgiving and now that he has he refuses to go backwards.
IT's good he see's what goes into this thing.
When we got home he put everything away BY HIMSELF. Usually he drops everything on the counter and heads for the remote. This time he refused to let us so much as help.
He needs to know where EVERYTHING IS he said.
Oh..THIS is going to be FUN!

Turkey Olympics

My husband has agreed to cook the Thanksgiving dinner all by himself this year.
This is going to keep me in laughter for the next FIVE years I predict.
The man can cook...don't get me wrong. Well..he can BAKE. The man can bake like a pastry chef. My birthday cake this year was that elaborate thing on the cover of Martha Stewart's Baking Handbook. (and he declared it the easiest thing to make in the whole book) Don't you just love you some Martha?!!
It was AMAZING. My daughter was talking about it in her sleep she was so obsessed with it. It was gone in two days flat.
I cannot bake. Not even slice and bake cookies. I find a way to screw even THAT up. But I can cook amazing meals. (And yes I will brag because it is one of the few things I CAN DO. I'm not crafty, can't take a picture, I can't even paint the nursery without it looking like a disaster)
The question is...how is it I can cook entire holiday meals for 50 or more and my house smells like THE HOLIDAYS. This man can make a grilled cheese sandwich and EVERY TIME and I do mean EVERY TIME...we have to open up windows and fan the smoke detector?
He does breakfast every weekend. It turns out delicious but you would never know it by the smell coming out of the kitchen. How my sofa has managed to last all these years without smelling like a grease fire is beyond me. Or maybe it does and I'm just oblivious.
ANYWAY!
I woke up this morning to discover that my kitchen chalk board has been taken over by his battle plan. Arrows, lists, time tables, you name it. With DO NOT ERASE written in huge letters across the top.
For some reason there is an urgent quest for truffle oil.
Ohhhh. My.
These are MY RULES.
I will not be making ANY-THING.
I will not spend my entire holiday telling you where the garlic powder is.
(I try to keep that pantry organized to no avail. And being a man, he is not about looking for things. He likes to open the door to the pantry..glaze his eyes over in a non focused way and scream "Where the hell is the vanilla extract??!!". Without so much as pretending to look for it. As if I'm psychic and can just magically tell him from the sofa, that it is behind the angel hair to the right of the peanut butter. LOOK FOR IT!!)
I will SURE AS HELL not be CLEANING anything. So clean as you go.
Any clanging sound involving MY CHINA, MY CRYSTAL, MY GRANDMOTHERS BOWLS, or any other precious thing will resort in the back end of your ass meeting the sharp edge of my tongue at intolerably LOUD DECIBELS.
Be. Careful.
I reserve the right to eat pie before the soup.
And with the soup. (There WILL be soup right??!)
And with my turkey.
I'll keep you posted.

What did I tell ya?

There is always SOMEONE who refuses to cook Thanksgiving dinner for their children not matter HOW adamant I am that I will NOT be doing it for them.
My neighbor is now stalking me and trying every which way to get in my house on that day. She realllllllly has boundary issues and as we all know..I'm officially no longer putting up with those after living a lifetime of them with my own family. (See the blog before this)
My husband used the fax machine Friday and forgot to unplug it and plug the answering machine in. So the neighbor calls me this morning EARLY and let it ring FIFTY TWO TIMES. I actually counted. The only thing that stopped it was me screaming at S to get upstairs and remedy the situation. Which he did. But she never called back.
No..she sent her 6 year old to knock on my door every minute.
You just have to be brutally rude to these people. (not that it sinks in).
I said "A! YOU KNOW YOU DO NOT COME OVER HERE AND RING MY DOOR BELL FIVE HUNDRED TIMES WITHOUT CALLING FIRST" He said "We did call you won't answer". I said "TAKE. A HINT."
Seriously. WHO ACTS LIKE THAT?!
I would never "drop by" anyone's home. Especially not on a Sunday morning.
And if the phone is not answered in 4 rings...I'm out.
Anyway..I'm determined not to let them ruin or intrude on our holiday. This is the first one that we will have had as just a family and we are all looking forward to it. She can learn to cook.
Once you have small children there is ZERO excuse for all that fast food.
Learn to cook.

Hi Spring Tx!

Get off my blog or I will post your full name in my rants.(As I prepare my lawsuits for felony theft and slander)
Run along now....